PTN Personal: Depression

Not too long ago I had a bit of what I like to call a depression relapse. It’s a moment where my anxiety runs wild do to some sort of situation that has me nervous or upset, triggering my depression and eating disorder remnants. I was at work when the last one happened and wrote down what was going through my mind/ a free write. I’ve deleted some parts that are specific to the situation, but all in all, the reactions are just the same. If you know someone who’s depressed but don’t quite understand it, this might help a little.

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Ah, shit. Of course I left my Xanax at home…

I’m at this point emotionally where I used to be almost all the time before I started seeing doctors and became properly medicated. I can ignore the feelings to an extent and still put on a happy front, or at least a content front, but on the inside I want to just cry. I want to go home, go to sleep, cry my eyes out and ignore any and all plans I’ve had for the next few days. Why? Because this is how my body decides to work. I don’t like it any more than anyone else, but I’m trying to control it.
What kills me is the hunger. I’m hungry, but I don’t want to eat. I very rarely get hungry, and when I actually hear my stomach growl or have a craving for food, I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve eaten. But this is also where the eating disorder kicks in. If I get upset, anxious, nervous, etc. my ED habits come back, where I don’t eat. The hunger pains are familiar and sadly, comforting. It’s become my coping mechanism and it sucks. This is why I shut down for over four years.
But now I’m seeing all of my friends get engaged or married and it reminds me of how alone I am. While I enjoy being alone, I hate being lonely. I desperately want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me everything’s going to be okay…
Times like these my emotions run wild and take over *everything* I think about.
Do I have friends? Not really, you idiot. You’ve shut out most people from your life.
How’s work going? How do you think? You get paid $10 an hour for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. You barely make enough to cover rent and you have no idea where you’re going to be living in a few months.
For once, can’t you just get your shit together and live your life? But I’m trying to live my life. I went over 4 years without the distraction of a significant other. I had no one else to worry about besides myself. I had the time to work on my confidence and my self esteem. It still sucks, but I’m getting there.
Can it be 3 o’clock yet? I just want to go home and curl up in bed and forget. Why? Not a fucking clue, and it’s making me want to cry. Like, I have tears swelling up in my eyes. Actually, I kind of know why. I want myself to feel bad. Since I was a kid anytime I was upset at something, someone was there to tell me I was worthless or whatever. Making myself feel like shit is a terrible thing to do and most certainly not healthy in the slightest, but unfortunately, like the refusal to eat, is a coping mechanism and is familiar and comfortable.
But this is what happens when I get upset over something I hold dear. I distort my thoughts into a way that I slowly chip away at my sanity and my whatever level of contentment I happen to have that day. When you’re depressed, I feel you never truly get over it and there will be moments like this that will snap you back, like a relapse. Add the ED to the mix and I’ve got a party ready for my sophomore year of high school.
These thoughts took up an entire day of my life. No matter what I tried I couldn’t get the voice out of my head and just waited to fall asleep for it to go away. I’m doing better, but the emotional wall I’ve had up for the past few years has been put back together and standing tall again. While it’s nice to keep my emotions in check, I’d like to one day maybe build a door for this wall so I can come and go as I please. I have a long way to get there and it’s going to be one hell of a journey.

2 thoughts on “PTN Personal: Depression

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